withdraw.

It’s starting to happen. Hedging on decisions when it involves leaving the house. Boxing up trinkets and do-dads because of the visual clutter. I close my eyes for a few moments at a red light because concentrating on driving is now a chore. When I tilt my head just right in the shower I can no longer hear the racuous laughter outside in the hall. The repetitive motion of knitting is a solace, for me and a frustration, for my family.

The next six weeks would most likely go past fast if I could wear blinders. At night I cover my eyes with my hat. Oh, my little. You are calling me in.

The space I inhabit at the end of pregnancy is like no other time in my life. When we settle in and I create a tempest in a tea cup. Paint the walls, build new shelving, fill the freezer-I command.  The non-absurd suggestions are taken, the others, nodded at and tucked away to joke about post-partum. Somehow we get more lesson work done, projects are finished. How can this be when I have to rest after I get one leg in my jeans?

I try to not create ripples on the surface while the raging storm of frustration and indecision roil below. There are other people more sensitive around here, catering to them will make my days easier. Yes, the irony. Dinner is getting pushed back later and later and desired by less and less people. What are leftovers for the nth time not interesting? 

Big Mama, she is trying. I am not saying she is succeeding but she is trying.

Adding to my befuddlement I am now interested in wearing jewelry. Having stones hang from my wrist. Something for the toddler to twist round and round, asking me several times a day ‘what it is’. My only adornment for years being a wedding band, I too wonder ‘what it is’. Baby, are you trying to tell me something?

The nesting is mainly the frills. When you are a fifth baby, what else is there? A linen edging to a flannel blankets, that is what there is.

While I add the (actual at times) feathers to my nesting place, I will gather the threads to make our first weeks together lush and peaceful. My body and thoughts are concentrating on the looming birth. Thinking only in feelings and preparations for after.

DSC06154

A very little weaving for our room. Inspired by this.

p.s. Did you see my post here on Wednesday?

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